Courage

I wrote a letter. That alone was brave. It was full of risk and vulnerability. Actual feelings and the like. Imagine that, actual feelings -- like the human type, you know? What a rush, releasing the pent up emotion when I finally sent it. Setting it free and out into the world.

I suppose I should actually do that last part.

Fixated and Frightened

It's strange to have been living life based on someone else, and to suddenly try to live for oneself. There's this period of trying to determine what and who you are again. Trying to figure out what you actually enjoy and what you did for the sake of the other. And if you're anything like me, you did a lot of the latter.

But then to realize that you stuck around as long as you did not because of any particular qualities of the other, but that you finally reached a point where you could. A point where the infantile, reptilian brain is no longer in control, where the fear of abandonment does not compel you to leave before you can be left. You stayed to prove that you could, as much as anything else.

And once that settles in, and you begin to explore that behavior in your past... Realizing that you felt more and more deeply than you ever let on. How you sabotaged everything that was important to you and cut yourself off from the people you loved -- who loved you. Wondering if those people are still out there. Wondering if the memories are real or imagined. Even if it turns out that they are there, and they were real, what do you do about it?

simplicity and complexity

I was going to sit down and write about how I was feeling down, and get into some real "woe is me" sort of stuff, but then something clicked. I don't have to feel that way. So instead, I've decided to summarize a conversation I had with a good friend today. *Ahem*

This afternoon, I was posed with that most impertinent of questions, "What is the meaning of life?" Most times, in an attempt to be witty, I would hurl one of my flippant and obvious answers back at this sort of inquiry. And so, with a response on the tip of my (somewhat forked?) tongue, I opened my mouth to reply. And then hesitated. Realizing I had no clever response that I hadn't already said at least 15 times prior, well, wittiness turns to dust on your lips when you find yourself repeating... yourself. Hmm.
This made me stop for a moment then and truly consider my words. With my mouth hanging wide open, I knew I had better say something.
"Complexity."
I paused. Another brief moment of reflection, then- "Life's purpose is the struggle toward complexity."
"Don't you mean simplicity?" she asked. We've both studied philosophy to varying degrees, and at the core, simplifying, letting go, non-resistance -- these concepts are the chewy center of any number of doctrines.
"No," I replied, warming to the thought. "Hear me out."
"Life begins with single-celled organisms who flail around in the ooze, eating, dividing in half, dying, and so on. Then each begins to specialize, focusing on particular tasks, improving in a multitude of different ways. Then they begin combining. Becoming more efficient by pairing up, by utilizing complementary traits, by assuming separate roles within a single organism. Cells become tissues, tissues become organs, ever more complex, creating more adapted and adaptable creatures."
"Then consider the portion we're most familiar with -- Humanity. Our civilization has become more complex with each iteration. We're asked to deal with a greater amount of information and stimulus today than any species on this planet ever has. Your parents could deal with more complexity than theirs, you, in turn can handle more than them. Your progeny will likely find you to be slow and inflexible -- maybe in more ways than one."
"Hey! Keep the jibes to yourself!" she laughed, swatting at me playfully. "But what about consciousness and enlightenment? Doesn't letting go and just existing imply simplicity?"
"In a sense, but it's only simpler from our own perspective. Enlightenment has more to do with not making things more complex than they actually are. Malcom Gladwell talks about a lot of this in Blink -- our ability to make rapid and accurate judgements in the present without seemingly considering the complexity of the problem is actually a function of our being so well adapted to dealing with complexity. Enlightenment is just as much trusting in your own ability -- which has evolved over millions of years -- to understand the complexity around you and not let your mind get in your own way."
She started chuckling, "You wouldn't know anything about that, right?"
I rolled my eyes, "Me, nah. My mind is like a steel trap. Unfortunately I already stepped in it."
"I wonder..." she hummed, pursing her lips. "If life is a race to complexity, where are we headed from here?"
I shrugged. "I keep going back to the single-celled organisms. Cells, pairs, tissues, organs... Combining to become something greater than the sum of its parts. Who knows? Maybe we're evolving into the body parts of God."
She smiled up at me, eyes flashing radiantly, "I bet we become the spleen."

with thanks to Richard Dawkins

Linklater + PKD = Awesome

I just stumbled across a trailer for the new Richard Linklater movie based on the Philip K. Dick novel A Scanner Darkly. I can't wait! I may just have to watch Waking Life again to get pumped up.

Honesty...

So I had a post here that I put up last night, and I removed it. It was a little on the angry side, and I really don't need to be that person. I'm fine letting off a little steam, but I also don't need to immortalize it, so what I've decided to do is be a little more honest here.

I'm coming to the realization that there's a lot about Laurie that has always frustrated me, and that what's going on right now is simply indicative of the way we've always interacted. I guess I'm just having a hard time with the fact that what I'm asking is a very simple task, and it's pretty much the last thing that I need from her. Maybe that's what's causing the resistance -- seeing that absolute end.

Or maybe it's just that she realizes that not calling me back to let me know if she's taking care of the problem will get my goat. And it has, yet again... But this time, it's not eating at me that she hasn't called. I'm just tired of it, and I want to be done.

Okay, Yes I should be working, but...

This quote makes me want to 'splode! From CNN:

President Bush today defended his administration's decision to allow a company from an Arab country to operate six major U.S. ports, saying, "People don't need to worry about security." Next month, Dubai Ports World is set to finalize a $6.8 billion purchase of the British firm Peninsular and Oriental Steam Navigation Co., which manages the six U.S. ports, which includes New York and Miami, Florida.

Wait a second... This is the same guy who has been doing his best to ensure that the country is cowering in fear of the terrorists? The same guy who basically convinced Middle America that the Arabs want to blow up the Wichita mini-mall? Fuck me, they're not even pretending to be consistent anymore. To hell with these assholes -- I'm moving to Europe.

Another gray day...

Which is kind of frustrating. See, I really enjoy driving in to work in the morning when I can see the sunrise. Driving East across the 520 and staring over the water into the shining sun. Getting lost in the colors that slowly shift, blending and melding. Each sunrise unique and equally mesmerizing. Not today. That's okay, it'll just make the next one that much better, right?

What about Saturday night then?

Okay, for anyone out there who didn't already know, Speaker Speaker is appearing live on Audioasis, KEXP's local show at 8PM on Saturday (that would be February 25th for those of you still counting on your fingers) and then will be playing a show at the Sunset Tavern immediately following. I'll be there. You know you wanna go.
For anyone that might have trouble making it to Ballard (You know who you are!) check out KEXP.org and listen to the live stream. Good times will be had by all.

Early to bed and early to rise...

makes a man feel like he's missing out on something.

Quick note here before I actually have to start working: From a game design standpoint, some of the most interesting concepts are coming out of a small company in the UK. If you like PC games at all, you owe it to yourself to check out Uplink. I so want to release a multiplayer version of this game for the DS.

Okay, so I'm late to the party, but I have to say that Buffy is totally rocking my world. I'm almost through the second season, and I'm thrilled. Well worth the mockery I'm receiving from friends and co-workers alike.

Oh look. It's me. 

How does this writing thing work again?

Oh yeah, words. Right.

Let me begin with a set of expectations -- what I expect from myself, and what you, reader, may in turn expect from me. This page will contain any number of varied musings, from my half-assed attempts at fiction, to political rants and journal entries. I may even try and post game reviews, depending on whether I play any that are worth talking about.

Please feel free to post your effusive praise at any time. In addition, you're welcome to email me at misanthropicoptimism@gmail.com

Beginning: n. - The act or process of bringing or being brought into being; a start.

Very nearly 10 years ago, I became someone else. I transplanted myself to a new city and took a new job in an entirely new field. I stopped communicating with almost all of the people I was close to, and acquired a full set of new friends. I even started calling myself by a new name. The old persona crumbling away like so much ash left over from the fire that consumed and destroyed my old life.

In addition to the aforementioned changes, I lost a lot of my creativity and my sense of wonder. I became stodgy and practical. Any happiness I felt was muted in shades of gray. Life no longer held the same mystery. I also stopped writing.

Change was a necessity at that point, brought on by the survival instinct. Lock it all away, or lose your mind completely. And while it can help for awhile, eventually the wall has to come down. There's an understanding that has to take place, and a willingness to be vulnerable again. Hopefully I'll express some of that through words on a page. Looking for more particulars? Go watch I Heart Huckabees again.

So it may come off as banal, but I'm here to continue my journey from where I left off. Wish me luck.