Misanthropic Optimism

The Word of the Day

2006-12-20T14:19:00.000-08:00

kakistocracy (plural kakistocracies)

Government under the control of a nation's worst or least-qualified citizens.

Sure hope it turns out...

2006-12-08T12:52:00.000-08:00

If it's fun, count me in.

I'm done shopping

2006-12-01T13:10:00.000-08:00

This is what everyone is getting for Christmas this year:

What more could anyone want?

Asshat.

2006-11-17T13:59:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON -- The Bush administration, to the consternation of its critics, has picked the medical director of an organization that opposes premarital sex, contraception and abortion to lead the office that oversees federally funded teen pregnancy, family planning and abstinence programs.

The appointment of Eric Keroack, a Marblehead, Mass. obstetrician and gynecologist, to oversee the federal Office of Population Affairs and its $283 million annual budget has angered family-planning advocates.

Keroack currently is medical director of A Woman's Concern, a Christian nonprofit. The Dorchester, Mass.-based organization runs six centers in the state that offer free pregnancy testing, ultrasounds and counseling. It also works to "help women escape the temptation and violence of abortion," according to its statement of faith. And it opposes contraception, saying its use increases out-of-wedlock pregnancy and abortion rates.

"A Woman's Concern is persuaded that the crass commercialization and distribution of birth control is demeaning to women, degrading of human sexuality and adverse to human health and happiness," its contraception policy reads in part.

"The appointment of anti-birth control, anti-sex education advocate Dr. Eric Keroack to oversee the nation's family planning program is striking proof that the Bush administration remains dramatically out of step with the nation's priorities," Cecile Richards, president of the Planned Parenthood Federation of America, said in a statement.

A message left with A Woman's Concern was not immediately returned Friday.

Keroack's appointment as deputy assistant secretary for population affairs does not require Senate confirmation. He is expected to start work in the next several weeks, Department of Health and Human Services spokeswoman Christina Pearson said.

The department's assistant secretary for health, Dr. John Agwunobi, cited Keroack's experience in working primarily with "women and girls in crisis" in lauding his appointment.

"He regularly speaks to youth audiences on sexual risk behaviors and has been nationally recognized for his work on preventing teen pregnancy," Agwunobi said.

WTF.

Get Out

2006-11-07T13:08:00.000-08:00

And Vote!

Keith Olbermann

2006-10-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

is also my hero. Apparently I have plenty. If you haven't been keeping up with his "Special Comment" segments from Countdown, he's consistently saying the things that NEED to be said. Check out his latest.

Reposted for Truth.

2006-10-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

Douglas Rushkoff is my hero. I'm reproducing this here because it's a genuine concern and deserves attention. Not that anyone actually reads this blog, but if Arthur magazine or Doug would like this removed, I'll replace it with a link.

Acceptance (doesn’t equal) Acquiescence
by Douglas Rushkoff
from Arthur No. 24 / Oct 02006:

I’ve been debating for a while about whether to do this. Whether to come right out and say it. On a certain level, it’s like shouting “fire” in a crowded theater. What good is it to announce a problem if I don’t have a ready solution at hand? Furthermore, what if sharing this information – this perspective on our predicament - simply exacerbates our paralysis to do anything about it. I mean, fascism breeds best in populations that have been stunned into complacency, cynicism, or despair.

(That’s called a “buried lede” – a publishing term for hiding the main idea of a story deep within a paragraph. Editors don’t like it because it makes it hard for the reader to figure out what an article is about. But I felt it necessary because, well, I’m not quite comfortable talking about it too directly, just yet. This fascism stuff.)

It all became blindingly clear to me the morning I found out Ken Lay was dead. I was listening to the radio – to a friend of mine, actually, reading the news report on NPR. He was explaining how the dishonored corporate elite criminal, the former CEO of Enron, had a fatal heart attack before he had the chance to spend the rest of his life in jail. Because of certain technicalities in the law, this also meant Lay’s family would in all likelihood be able to keep the millions of dollars that would have otherwise been paid back to Enron employees and shareholders in court fines.

The newsreader opined that Lay’s death might have been suicide, and not just for the money. Lay was in on those early secret energy industry meetings with Dick Cheney – the ones where they figured out oil prices and the Iraq War and other matters of state – and, facing prison, the fallen corporate superstar could have posed a security risk if he had leaked information about what had transpired to other prisoners or, worse, the FBI in trade for better living quarters.

But, given all that, I couldn’t bring myself to believe Lay was dead at all. If you’re that rich and powerful, why die? Why not just get a hold of some corpse, pay-off a coroner, move to an island and call it a day? This is no grassy knoll feat. It’s not even CSI, but early 90’s Law & Order. No big deal for a guy intimately connected with one of the most actively clandestine administrations in US history.

That same July morning, when news of North Korea’s failed nuclear test launches were broadcast, I didn’t feel sure I was being told what was happening, either. Not that news agencies can really know, either. Did they launch? Were they thwarted by a US counterstrike, or by their own ineptitude? Do they even know? Do we?

I’m not saying one thing or the other happened - just that I stare at the news and don’t believe anything they’re saying. I’ve got no idea. And it feels really weird.

I find I can trace this sense of uncertainty to the 2004 election. The 2000 election was crooked, but the fraud was rather out in the open. We watched hired thugs stop the Florida recount by trying to break into the room where the counting was happening - and thus delay the process long enough for the Supreme Court to choose Bush as the President. But the 2004 voter fraud in Ohio, fully documented by Robert Kennedy Jr., among others, was an entirely more hidden affair. Diebold voting machines, teams of fraud squads, and election officials too afraid that disclosure of what happened will turn people off voting forever.

Those of us who try to stay even remotely connected to what is going on in the world around us have enough hard evidence to conclude with certainty that voting in America has been systematically and effectively undermined by the party currently in power. In an increasing number of precincts, how people vote – if they are even allowed in - no longer has a direct influence on how their votes are tallied.

It’s sad and confusing not to live in a democracy, anymore. And while it’s quite plainly true, it’s a bit too unthinkable for most sane people to accept. It goes in the same mental basket as more outlandish (if not unthinkable) thoughts — such as dynamite on the WTC or no airplane crashing into the Pentagon — even though, in this case, it’s not conjecture, it’s just plain real.

So what I’m coming to grips with is accepting that I don’t live in a democratic nation, and that the propaganda state attempted in 1930’s Europe did finally reach fruition here in the U.S., just as Henry Ford and those of his ilk predicted.

Maybe I’m just old, and have a very idealistic view of democracy. When I was a kid, we were all told that this is a government of the people, and that our votes provided a check on the power of our leaders. That’s why we called them “elected.” Or maybe it’s just naïve to think that representative democracy could have worked the way it was presented to us.

The other side – the fascist side – does have an argument to make, and they’ve been making it since Woodrow Wilson was president. Having run on a “peace” campaign, Wilson later decided that America needed to get involved in World War I. So, with the help of one of the great Public Relations masters of all time, Edward Bernays, he created the Creel Commission, whose job was to change America’s mind.

Bernays, like the many political propagandists who followed, honestly believed that the masses are just too stupid to make decisions for themselves – particularly when it involved global affairs or economics. Instead, an enlightened and informed elite (corporate America) needs to make the decisions, and then “sell” them to the public in the form of faux populist media campaigns. This way, the masses feel they are coming up with these opinions, themselves.

Truly populist positions, on the other hand - such as workers’ rights or minority representation – must be recontextualized as the corruption of the public by elite “special interests” or decadent social deviants. Throughout most of history, these scapegoats were the Jews, but now it’s mostly gays and liberals. By distracting the masses with highly emotionally charged issues like flag-burning or gay marriage, those in power consolidate their base of support while developing a new mythology of state as religion.

As long as they do all this, they don’t have to worry about how people vote, or what might be happening on the ground. “Unregulating” the mediaspace turns the fourth estate (the news agencies) into just another arm of the corporate conglomerates that fascism was invented to serve. (Mussolini called it “corporatism,” don’t forget.)

The last and most crucial step in creating a truly seamless fascist order, though, is to frighten the intellectuals, students, and artists from seeing the world as it is and sharing their sensibilities with one another. Hell, calling America’s leaders “a fascist regime” can’t be good for business. The only place I’m allowed to write this way is on my blog or here in Arthur – and neither pays the bills.

Besides: why rock the boat? I may not have the right to vote, anymore, but I’m being kept comfortable enough. Like others of my class, I have a roof over my head. I’m crafty enough to get paid now and again for a book or talk or comic series. And the state is functioning well enough that I can afford a tuna sandwich and walk around my neighborhood eating it without getting whacked with a rock or a grenade. As far as history goes, that’s pretty good.

So was democracy a failed experiment? Should we just let these guys run the country as long as they let us eat? Clearly, they’re not scared of us or what we might be saying about them. In fact, their best argument that we haven’t descended into fascism is the fact that we’re allowed to distribute columns like this one. How could we be living in a totalitarian propaganda state if there are articles pronouncing the same? Because fascism looks different every time around. 1930’s fascism failed because it was too obviously repressive. Today’s fascism works because it has turned the mediaspace into a house of mirrors where nothing is true and everything is permissible. The fact that there are plenty of blogs and even major books saying what’s happening and still it doesn’t matter is proof that it has worked.

But there is hope. It’s not just the radicals and militias who are alarmed, but mainstream congresspeople and government wonks. I, myself, have been approached by two separate government intelligence agencies and three members of congress (of both parties) for help understanding what they already deem to be actionable offenses against the American people by some of our leaders. They are disturbed by the disinformation campaign leading up to the Gulf War, voter fraud, and the way Americans have been frightened into supporting the curtailment of civil rights.

Surprisingly, most of my conversations with these patriotic people involve two main concerns. First, they have been ostracized by their peers for their views. This has created some urgency, for they fear they will not get enough party support for re-election if they don’t succeed in their efforts in the next few months. Second, and more troublingly, they are afraid to disillusion America’s youth. Isn’t there a way to fix this problem, they wonder, without raising an entire generation of Americans in environment of acknowledged voter nullification? And what of our reputation in the world? Which is more damaging to democracy: voter fraud, or the public awareness of voter fraud?

To this, we simply must conclude that the reality of voter fraud is more dangerous than any associated disillusionment. To worry about the impact on public consciousness is to get mired in the logic of public relations – and that’s what got us into this mess to begin with.

It’s time to get real, and either fight (through the courts, if possible) to reinstate the rule of law as established by the Constitution, or accept that Enlightenment-era democracy simply doesn’t work and move into a new phase of government by decree or market forces or whatever it is that comes next.

In any case, it serves no one to have a “pretend democracy” that’s actually something else. I’m going to stop denying what’s going on here, and use what influence I have with lawmakers, government workers, and activists to get them to do the same. Instead of trying to feel better about all this, I’m going to allow myself and everyone around me to feel worse.

Indeed, the bad news is the good news. Total disillusionment, though momentarily painful, is utterly liberating and probably required. Acceptance isn’t acquiescence at all; it’s the first step towards reconnecting with a reality that can and must be changed. If we’re going to get back on the horse, we’ve got to acknowledge that we’ve fallen off.

Don't Forget!

2006-09-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

For those of you that are nautically challenged, this instructional video may be of service.

Seminars

2006-09-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days at work, we've been treated to company sponsored seminars. Tuesday was about improving communication. Yesterday we had a management training session that lasted all day. While there was a bit of valuable information provided, the majority consisted of common sense, rehashed ideas, irrelevant examples and constant repetition. After a good solid waste of a day, our speaker ended the session with a poem about being a good manager and successful at your job. I'm not sure if it qualifies as Vogon Poetry, since the speaker appeared to be human, but given the thrashing and wailing that it elicited from the audience, the effect was much the same. While I don't precisely recall hearing phrases such as "Oh freddled gruntbuggly, Thy micturations are to me As plurdled gabbleblotchits On a lurgid bee." but they must have been there, inaudible behind the savage howling of we tormented listeners.

Ah, motivational speakers. Where would we be without you. Possibly in much the same place as would be were we to lose our hairdressers and telephone sanitizers.

I'm going to have a bath and a jynnan tonnyx now.

It's been a crazy time...

2006-09-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

So I've been a single guy for a while now. Not an incredibly long while, mind you, but it's been damn near a year since Laurie and I started breaking things off. Admittedly, there was quite a bit of time between the beginning of the end, and the "actual" end. Since I started dating, I've met a number of wonderful people with whom I've had varying levels of connection. I was rapidly getting the sense that I didn't really have any interest in a long-term relationship at this point, and that I was just going to wind up playing the field for a time. Then, a little over two weeks ago, I met someone who completely rocked my world. I'm far, FAR more infatuated than I could've possibly predicted, and have hardly spent any time away from her since. I could sit here and expound upon her virtues, but since there's a fair chance she might be reading this, I'll spare her any sort of public discomfiture. Suffice it to say, I think she's incredible, and I'll simply leave it at that. Grrr, you win.

Something different

2006-08-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

So today and tomorrow I'm at the Microsoft GameFest conference instead of at work. Nothing wrong with a little change of pace, I suppose. I'll try and make myself post something if I'm in on any interesting lectures.

So...

2006-08-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't been around in awhile, but I'm going to put forward some effort to resume at least a fraction of my prior output. But not just yet. More to come?

I like my order.

2006-05-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof).

Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.

agnosticism

92%

Buddhism

88%

Satanism

79%

atheism

75%

Paganism

63%

Hinduism

58%

Judaism

50%

Islam

46%

Christianity

33%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

Today is a new day.

2006-05-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, no more time to be nervous about it. I've just got to dive in now. The new gig starts today. It's especially strange to be going to work after having so much time off. I'm excited though. It seems like such a cool place to work, and I'll finally be involved in the development process. I'm fucking thrilled! Wish me luck.

Open House

2006-04-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

I was out at Monolith last night for their industry meet-n-greet. The offices there are really nice, and the place looks like it's going to be a hell of a lot of fun to work at. I'm really f'n stoked about the whole thing. It was awesome to get to socialize with a few of my new coworkers before actually starting the new job. So, on Monday I go in, get the "official" tour and then sit down and get to learning my new responsibilities. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be excited about "responsibilities". Go figure.

Auf Wiedersehen!

2006-04-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

So I'm about to head to my farewell lunch at the Celtic Bayou. I suppose that I oughta check with the folks at my old job to make sure that it's still on for today -- I'd hate to drive out to Redmond and find out that they've rescheduled or something. It's gonna be nice to see everyone again. It's very strange to think that I won't be working at Nintendo anymore, after 5 years with the same department. It's very weird to be leaving the first job that I really wanted at one point. I had a lot of fun there, and loved the people that I worked with. It's sad to say goodbye, but opportunity knocks, and it's time to continue pursuit of the dream. I hope nobody cries. :)

More details.

2006-04-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

It took me a little while to sit down and get to writing this. I'll explain why momentarily, but first, let me start from the beginning... On Monday I accepted a job offer from Monolith to work as a QA Lead. Immediately after accepting, I tendered my resignation to Nintendo, giving them my two weeks notice, knowing full well that Nintendo was likely to throw me out on my ear. I spoke with my boss who, after looking into Nintendo's response, asked me to stay for the remainder of the week and help out, and then take a week off before starting the new job. I then contacted Monolith and set myself up with a May 1st start date. Come Tuesday, Nintendo's HR department has determined that Monolith is enough of a competitor that I need to go home, so I finish my lunch, pack up my shit and go.

So I wound up with almost 2 weeks off, which is great -- although it still remains to be seen if I get paid for both weeks. My boss set up a "farewell" lunch for Monday, so I get a chance to see everyone and I imagine that I'll find out the final word at that point.

What have I been doing with my days off so far, you might ask? I played through F.E.A.R. over the last couple of days, since I'll be working on the sequel. I also downloaded the public level design tools, so I can get a sense of how to work with their editor and be able to create some basic maps for testing.

I also finished reading Perdido Street Station, which was an incredible novel -- truly amazing use of language, and quite the story to boot. I'm also flying through Kurzweil's book, which is chock full of utterly fantastic concepts and predictions for the next 20-30 years of technological evolution. I watched Outfoxed, a documentary about Rupert Murdoch and Faux News, detailing the workings of the right-wing propaganda machine, and its undue influence on modern journalism in addition to its political leverage.

My roommate Cliff is supposed to be back in town today, so I may have to go pick him up off the boat, and Danny is also getting back today, with Speaker Speaker playing an all-ages show in Redmond tonight, which is penciled in on the calendar as well. I'll have to see if I can drag Cliff out there, but he'll very likely be too tired for that sort of thing.

Now that I've got the lawn mowed and it's raining again, I suppose I should also take care of a few things around the house, like cleaning up my freaking desk, where I've been living for the last few days. Especially since I'm liable to make camp here for the next week as well. After that, I'm going to try and hit my story hard.

Free Time

2006-04-17T07:01:00.000-07:00

Depending on how things go down today, I might have some free time this week to get a bit of writing done. It's very possible I might have the rest of the week off work, so hopefully I'll be able to make some significant progress on my story. Details to follow...

Case study #1 - Subject: Luke

2006-04-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

The other day I started taking a series of nootropic dietary supplements. I had read about Piracetam quite a while ago, and was intrugued by the number of studies done reporting positive effects with practically no downside whatsoever. For some reason, the thought occurred to me the other day that I'd never actually looked into them particularly thoroughly, and I began my investigation anew with the additional resources that the last 10 years of technological advance has made available. Over the last couple of weeks, I read about ten or fifteen different studies regarding the effects of the -racetam group of chemicals, and any number of other subjective accounts of persons using these compounds outside of a clinical study. I was impressed by the body of research, and the apparent benefits and safety of use, so I began taking 1500mg daily of Aniracetam (which is an analogue of Piracetam that is effective at a lower dose and is also fat-soluable, requiring fewer pills) last Thursday, and then due to the reported synergistic effects of it, added a blended supplement containing Choline, Phosphatidylserine, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Glutamine and Taurine, all which have positive effect on either brain-specific biochemistry or simply improve cellular action throughout the body. So what does this all mean?

From a subjective standpoint, I've been feeling more alert and have had improved clarity of thought, even in the morning prior to my first cup of coffee. I've noticed positive effects on nights when I didn't get enough sleep, waking up without the "foggy mind" normally associated with insufficient rest. I also found that I was clearer and more alert when drinking -- I went out on Friday night and had a couple more than maybe I should have, and was surprised at my mental acuity throughout the evening. This even continued through the morning, where I was feeling fairly hung-over, but again, without the brain haze that I'd become accustomed to in similar circumstances.

In addition, it seems that my comprehension and retention have improved in regards to reading. Previously, I was having a hard time with a couple of scientific non-fiction books: The Ancestor's Tale and The Singularity Is Near by Richard Dawkins and Ray Kurzweil, respectively. I've found that I'm able to plow through them as if they were novels now, without having to stop and consider what I'd just read nearly as often. Overall, I'm impressed. It's claimed that the full effect of the compound isn't felt for 30-60 days, so if it continues to sharpen my mind over the next month, I'll let you know right here.

Luke's Pale Ale

2006-04-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

has completed stage 1 of the brewing process. Kevin wanted to get a batch of beer going this week, and so a Tuesday evening turned into a fairly late night, but it was a lot of fun. Now the fermentation process begins, and we wait. Apparently, after a few days in the primary fermenter, we move the beer to the secondary system and then it goes another week or so, and then into the keg. I'm excited to see how it turns out, but for the moment, I just need to turn in.

Damn Camera Phone

2006-04-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile, Nintendo will have a band from the Fusion Tour out to our campus to perform. Yesterday, Grammy award nominee Fall Out Boy showed up to play a brief acoustic set. That's gotta be a high point in their career -- coming out to Redmond in the middle of your tour to play a corporate lunchroom. I imagine that most bands would be less than thrilled, and for a group of young guys from Chicago that played at the Grammys last year, being told to keep it down and refrain from swearing (which they mentioned as being a struggle) while playing to a bunch of geeks eating lunch had to have been a total thrill.

I wanted to post some pictures, since I found the whole scenario so amusing, but I wasn't really close enough to get good shots, and the camera in my phone isn't all that great. Sorry.

How appropriate.

2006-04-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back"

Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos.
But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's Your Theme Song?

I'm wide awake,

2006-04-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've found a few links that I find essential at the moment:

For those of you living in NYC, maybe you've seen these LED Throwies at some point recently. I'm inspired!

This lecture given by Ray Kurzweil is a little over half an hour long, but if you're interested in future studies, buckle your seatbelt.

And for a brief chuckle, check out this song from The Party Party.

It's morning...

2006-04-08T09:10:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been awhile. I've been off my game as far as blogging and writing are concerned. The last couple of weeks have been a little hectic, what with the new roommate, projects at work (as well as other "work related" things that I'll not write about just yet), and my latest gaming obsession Oblivion. By the way, if you're considering playing Oblivion, keep in mind that this is a seriously hardware-intensive game. Don't even think about it unless you have a fairly high-end video card.

I was hoping to go out to Neumo's last night to see the Crystal Skulls, but I'm either coming down with a head cold, or I'm developing allergies for the first time ever. Instead, I went to bed early with the air filter on, and felt fine when I woke up, lending credence to the allergy theory. I guess I'll have to pick up some antihistamine and see if that helps.

And I thought it would be higher.

2006-04-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

You Are 72% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

So, last night...

2006-03-28T06:52:00.000-08:00

I went down to the Duck. I sat there for a while (and stayed a little later than I should have) and had 3 pints. If only that sentence had contained the phrase "with dinner", then I wouldn't be complaining at the world right now. Instead, I neglected to eat anything last night, and am still feeling the effects of the evening. It's amazing what a little food can do for you. Holy crap, I just want to go back to bed.

Night #2

2006-03-21T06:35:00.000-08:00

I slept a little better in the new room, and didn't wake up confused, so that's a plus. It's tough to say whether the fact that my shoulders ache is due to some change in how the bed is set up or the fact that I took the thing apart, carried it all to the other room, put it back together and helped Kevin move some stuff into the house. Regardless, I seem to be recovering.

Last night I was even able to bring in another computer, set it up and fix it in my new space, so it seems that there's enough room to work in here. Speaking of that computer, it had as many trojans, viruses and spyware components as I've ever seen on one system. Thankfully it only took me the evening to sort through it all and clean it up. My boss should be happy, and I should have a bottle of Jameson to show for it, so it's a win-win.

Moving day

2006-03-20T13:56:00.000-08:00

was Sunday. I got all of my crap out of the back bedroom and into the front room. Kevin moves in on the first, so I've got to give him enough space to get his stuff over here. I was actually surprised at the fact that my bed fit next to my desk. I thought I was going to have to trade the desk in for a smaller model, but the bed fits snugly next to it. I'm happy to keep the corner workstation. Now I just need to find some curtains...

Tangled up in Blue?

2006-03-19T00:04:00.000-08:00

She knows me inside and out; through and through, to my core. Explaining so little, yet understanding so much – as if telling bedtime stories to myself. It’s like it never ended, like we were never apart. And it haunts me, that I know her in the same way.

I close my eyes and she is there, taunting me, beckoning. And when I open them she is gone, like the sunrise, to be replaced by the harsh light of day. Closing them again, she does not return, so I abide, crossing and uncrossing my fingers, wishing for what will not occur.

Sam

2006-03-18T23:36:00.000-08:00

It’s inexplicable. These moments of madness, these instants of insanity – cresting like waves. The only option is to ride down the face, looking fear square in the eye. But when the moment is lost, it comes crashing down, churning and powerful.

The mundane can become a Sisyphean task; persistent and unrelenting. And yet those precious few moments of clarity and joy, breaking through the routine like sunbeams, can warm the soul and soothe the troubled spirit.

Let it all rest. Let time stand still and dwell upon the Nameless. Nothing ever ends. It never even began. Breathe, and be one.

V for Vendetta

2006-03-18T10:36:00.000-08:00

was a pretty amazing movie. Alan Moore's dystopian comic is brought to life with striking visuals and the majority of the philosophical underpinnings intact. This barbed critique of the reactionary fear that has become an all too common political premise in our society is simultaneously disheartening and invigorating. Although anyone who has read Huxley, Orwell and Burgess will not find the concepts particularly novel, it's a pleasant surprise to walk out of the theater after a highly enjoyable action flick and also have some food for thought -- not such a common experience in a big-budget Hollywood vehicle. Highly recommended!

What a deal! Long weekend for me!

2006-03-16T15:48:00.000-08:00

It's really slow at the moment, and since my boss suggested during our meeting today that some of our contractors might appreciate it if we were to take days off now and then, I figured I might enjoy having Friday off. Yay for me! Now if I could only get them to start adding extra vacation time to my account, I'd be really stoked.

Professional Jealousy

2006-03-15T10:39:00.000-08:00

I've just started reading Perdido Street Station by China Miéville, and damned if it isn't discouraging. The man's use of language and descriptive style are almost enough to make a writer throw hands up in disgust. I'd have to spend most of my life polishing a piece to even approximate the vivid imagery he conjures so effortlessly, and then I'd still be hard pressed to breathe life into a story half as engaging. Damn those talented and dedicated individuals. I guess it gives me something to strive for, right?

Higher Education?

2006-03-14T12:26:00.000-08:00

My therapist asked me last night if I felt like we were done for the time being. It felt like Graduation Day -- not that I'd actually know what Graduation Day felt like, since I skipped mine, but you get the idea. I've felt incredibly liberated over the last month or so, and I was tempted to say "Yes! We're done here." but I thought about it, and it might not be a bad idea to check back in a month. She was so happy for me though, and seemed really excited at how well I was doing; how far I had come.

Temple called me yesterday, right before my appointment, and when I mentioned where I was headed, she sounded a little offended. I think it screwed with her world concept a bit, since she always thought that I've been a pretty healthy, happy, well-adjusted individual. It must have been a little bizarre for her to hear that I needed some help figuring things out. From an intellectual standpoint, she's right to be a little confused. I've never had a problem in that sense, always able to apply logical, rational concepts to just about anything -- but try applying rationality and logic to emotions, and you just get nowhere.

After 10 years of living in fear -- fear of judgment, love, self-expression, emotion itself -- it's pretty liberating to not really feel afraid of anything. Well, except for snakes. And marshmallow creme. And fax machines... Oh and...

New Fiction... part I

2006-03-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

Do you know what it’s like to suddenly wake from a dream, groping blindly after reality, in an effort to separate yourself from the dreamworld? Do you know what it means to feel like that when you haven’t been sleeping? The sensation is rather like that of a lucid dream, but with more immediacy; a sense of boundless possibility and creation, completely without struggle or effort. All of reality feeling mutable and elastic, as if the world were made of soft clay, waiting to be shaped by some unseen hand.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt trapped; Torn between two worlds – One, the humdrum, workaday existence that most of us are forced to share – The other, a province of creation and destruction, magical workings, coincidence and fate. Maybe torn isn’t the right word. The effect is more like too many pieces of tracing paper piled up, each with a different design – the lines juxtaposed and jumbled, leaving no clear image for the mind to latch onto. Imagine that in color and three-dimensional and you might start to understand. Sifting through it all and trying to find a simple pattern becomes an arduous task.

I was a precocious child, learning to speak at less than two months old, and starting to read shortly after my first birthday. This brought my parents both joy and grief, the pride in their child marred by the signs to ward off evil made by the townsfolk behind our backs. When the first pentagram marked our front door, my parents began packing our necessities and wrote a letter to my uncle, to ensure that the house would be maintained. With 3 small packs in tow, we left our house under the cover of night.

My parents did not have much money, but they took what we had and bought passage on the Steam Train; though our accommodations were less than luxurious, with three other families all stuffed into our small cabin. I recall gazing out the windows in wonder at the smears of color rushing by; watching the countryside change from vast green pastures, through dark and foreboding woods, finally to a body of water stretching as far as the eye could see. I still get chills riding the Train, the sensations taking me back to a time of excitement and loss, leaving behind everything I knew, but thrilling at the possibilities of a new world.

Our arrival at the station in the City was less than pleasant. Unceremoniously dumped onto the platform by a blustery red-faced trainmaster, we attempted to make our way through the grimy throng toward the buildings now blotting out the setting sun. The air was rank with the stench of refuse, and there seemed to be a coating of soot on every surface. My father, with our meager belongings in hand, led us down the steps toward the street when the train whistle blew. I remember turning, only to see the great iron behemoth lurch steadily away from us, taking some of my innocence with it.

I'm still young, right?

2006-03-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

Another late night last night. Out until 2 again. I don't know that I can continually do this sort of thing, but let me tell you, the show was worth it. Speaker Speaker totally rocked the house last night -- the crowd was pumped and screaming for them. They played one of the tightest and most energetic sets I've heard from them, and all of the material is really clicking. They had better get into the studio and get the full-length done, because people are stoked and that record could really blow up. In addition to playing a great set, they also won The Stranger's Big Shot competition which entails some recording time, 1000 CD duplication, an on-air set at The End, $2000 in cash and any number of other things that might be helpful to a band on the verge of a big break. Hurry up and get this Mid-West tour out of the way -- after this, the music labels could be after you in a pretty big way. Congratulations guys! You've come a long way from your first show at The Mars Bar. Danny, you're my hero and I love you. In a... umm... extremely manly, hetero sort of way, of course. Harrumph.

Early to bed?

2006-03-11T02:02:00.000-08:00

I guess I don't know the rest of the saying. I kept telling myself, you didn't get enough sleep the last few nights, so on Friday night you need to go to bed early. I guess we can all see how well that worked out. At least there was a cute girl at the bar that kept me around. Maybe that's an improvement? I suppose that I should have tried to get her number instead of just giving her my card. I've been out of the game so long, I don't even know the rules anymore.

If you have eyes

2006-03-08T09:30:00.000-08:00

you might appreciate this latest discovery. The ability to see thumbnails of all of the "Interestingness" photos from flickr at once is quite amazing.

When you have time, hit up http://www.houserdesign.com/flickr/

They can't all have been snakes?

2006-03-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

My realization this morning is that I needed a traumatic experience to open my heart again. I asked for it. I begged for it. I found someone who would put up with me and my lack of emotional availability for as long as possible. I then proceeded to let every non-intellectual connection wither and die. And then I made her stay with me – promising more of myself and never delivering. To be fair, I was trying to find it; I was just as inaccessible to myself as to her.

A number of years ago, by happenstance, there was a Conclave of my ex-girlfriends at a party that I didn’t attend. The comment that came back to me was “He’s a charmer.” Sardonic or not, there’s truth there – But it’s taken me a long time to understand the shortcoming lying behind it.

Okay, time to build a new house

2006-03-07T08:59:00.000-08:00

http://www.hiddenpassageway.com/

Brief exhalation

2006-03-06T13:54:00.000-08:00

I must be careful what I wish for. The universe listens closely and often grants our desires; especially those we repeat too many times. The universe is also a literalist, and getting precisely what we ask for may not be what we intend. The chimeric nature of fantasy can be brutal when exposed. Disillusionment is never easy, and to call it down upon your own head when first you constructed the illusion above you is purest folly.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself. Let go. Make peace with what is and cannot be changed. Leave that dream be.

Flashbulb Afterimage

2006-03-05T13:28:00.000-08:00

We go way back. Even if we weren’t intimately acquainted from the beginning, our common experiences made the connection that much deeper when the opportunity arose. Once it did, it was electric. Brilliant, sexy, opinionated; tender and emotive; an edge like tempered steel. She captivated me from the very beginning.

And when it was over, I was cruel; lost in a fog of fear and uncertainty. I tried running aimlessly away, but always found myself drawn back. Forever chasing the possibilities we had glimpsed, but never getting close enough -- like trying to catch a dragonfly with my bare hands.

Sunday Morning,

2006-03-05T10:09:00.000-08:00

Praise the dawning.

I think I'm just gonna hang around the house today, and rock out. Actually, I'm gonna have to take my PC down for a little bit. I've been meaning to slap this new HD in for a while -- I'm really starting to run out of space now.

I set the dial on the WayBack machine this weekend and have been blasting The Who, David Bowie, Nirvana, The Pogues and a little bit of The Cure at high volume. I'm sure the rest of the neighborhood is thrilled with me. Oh well, I need a good soundtrack for tearing into my computer.

Wasted and Wounded

2006-03-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

Actually, the weekend's been better than it seemed like it would on Friday night. I managed to clean the entire house yesterday, as well as get all of the laundry done - Plus I went grocery shopping. I'm a freakin' hero. I'm still not sure if I can afford this place without a roommate, and I'm not sure that I want a roommate at all - but I also don't have to be crazed or pissed about it. I'll make do.

I think that the weather yesterday helped me in getting so much done. It was truly a beautiful day, sunny and warm. Nothing like today mind you, but it was nice to see through the grey for a minute.

Bye bye happiness, Hello loneliness...

2006-03-03T23:11:00.000-08:00

It's only Friday night, but somehow the weekend is already getting me down. I guess the routine of the work week is helpful to me. I'm still struggling to figure out what the hell to do with myself. I think it's compounded by the fact that I'm impoverished by the cost of my house. I feel like I can't go out and do anything, or buy the things I might need.

Ah, hell - maybe it's time to look for another place to live. Somehow I think that I'd really appreciate the opportunity to live completely alone for a while (for the first time?). It feels like that's more important to me at the moment than buying the house. Maybe not the most forward-thinking decision I could make.

Who knows, maybe I'd be fine with a roommate. I just feel like the things that I want in my life would be easier without someone looking over my shoulder. If I want to do any number of crazy things, I don't want to weird anyone out. My views on life alone are likely to do that to any normal roommate I might have. I'm not exactly "normal" anymore. Although I feel more like a real person than I have in at least 10 years -- if not longer.

Maybe I just need to find a kindred spirit to live here with me. I'd love to be able to afford this place, and actually do the things I keep thinking of. But that'd likely require someone to share a bedroom with me, and that sure ain't happening anytime soon.

This all just kills me, because in so many ways I feel better and more alive than I can recall ever feeling. And then I start to consider -- what does a fucking apartment cost in Seattle these days? $700 a month or thereabouts. So why shouldn't I just suck it up, tighten the belt a little and try and afford the house? At least I'd be buying instead of renting, right?

Everything's gotta be a goddamn sacrifice. One way or another.

Woman Allegedly Fakes Death Over Tickets

2006-03-03T16:40:00.000-08:00

The Associated PressThursday, March 2, 2006; 10:18 PM
DES MOINES, Iowa -- Kimberly Du landed in a grave situation after police say she tried to avoid traffic charges by faking her death. Du, 36, of Des Moines, faked her death in December, court records show.
Someone claiming to be Du's mother used a pair of forged documents, including a death notice printed on a newspaper Web site and a letter purported to be signed by Du's mother, to persuade court officials that Du had died, records show.
The day after courthouse clerks received the documents, a judge tossed out an arrest warrant for Du.
Authorities caught on to the plan when Du was stopped on Jan. 4 for speeding and driving with a suspended license.
Police say an investigation showed that Du's supposed obituary never ran in a newspaper, and that a funeral was never held.
Du was arrested last Friday and charged with forging her mother's name on a letter to the court. If convicted, she could face up to two years in prison.
She was being held in the Polk County jail on $50,000 bond.

I'm still trying to figure out how faking your own death suddenly becomes a really good idea. In court. To a judge. Without disappearing.

Love, and the significance thereof...

2006-03-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

I don't get to live in the same world as most of you. So many people get to exist in their safe little bubbles where bad things happen to other people, where tragedy is not getting to go to Disneyland this year, where only old people die.

I don't have that luxury. The possibility of loss -- mindbending, heartwrenching loss -- is always looming. Thinking otherwise is really an illusion. A comfortable one maybe, but an illusion nonetheless. If you're still living there, enjoy it. It can all crumble in upon you in an instant.

And when it does, truly loving ever again is the hardest lesson you'll learn in your life. But if you can manage, the love you feel is like no other. Every moment of loving and being loved is simultaneously eternal and ephemeral. Being vulnerable becomes a blessing. Opening your heart to the world becomes second nature, because if the worst didn't kill you, what is left to fear?

And yet, the import of what it means to be willing to love stays with you forever. Never to be treated lightly, and always honored and respected. A blessing, and a curse.

Duck Island

2006-03-02T12:12:00.000-08:00

Over the last few years I've become a bit of a beer snob, which started with a predilection for IPAs, and has evolved into sheer joy at the possibilities offered by the combination of barley, hops, yeast and water. Always reminds me of how magical cheese can be, with only the 3 ingredients of milk, salt and rennet. But I digress --

So I was down at the Duck Island Ale House last night, to get a little bit of socializing in. Can't be the Hermit all the time, right? There's only 3 customers in the place, including me, and we're all sharing conversation. The bartender ducks into the back to change a keg, and on the spur of the moment, decides to surprise us all by cracking into the remainder of his 2004 Hair of the dog "Doggie Claws", which has been conditioning in the back for some time now. And was it ever a treat, with a port-like complexity and weight, hints of chocolate and clove and a maple finish. An opportunity like no other in the Emerald City right now. Thanks Jeremiah!

I got my license plates...

2006-03-01T20:14:00.000-08:00

And put them on my car. I guess I'm finally official. Now the only question is, will I ever have anything other than a little white car? So far, I'm on number 3. And if you count my van (since for a van, it was little and yes, white) that would make 4. Funny how that works. It's not like I'm actually choosing colors here either. I'm just taking what I'm given.

Courage

2006-02-28T07:04:00.000-08:00

I wrote a letter. That alone was brave. It was full of risk and vulnerability. Actual feelings and the like. Imagine that, actual feelings -- like the human type, you know? What a rush, releasing the pent up emotion when I finally sent it. Setting it free and out into the world.

I suppose I should actually do that last part.

Fixated and Frightened

2006-02-27T12:38:00.000-08:00

It's strange to have been living life based on someone else, and to suddenly try to live for oneself. There's this period of trying to determine what and who you are again. Trying to figure out what you actually enjoy and what you did for the sake of the other. And if you're anything like me, you did a lot of the latter.

But then to realize that you stuck around as long as you did not because of any particular qualities of the other, but that you finally reached a point where you could. A point where the infantile, reptilian brain is no longer in control, where the fear of abandonment does not compel you to leave before you can be left. You stayed to prove that you could, as much as anything else.

And once that settles in, and you begin to explore that behavior in your past... Realizing that you felt more and more deeply than you ever let on. How you sabotaged everything that was important to you and cut yourself off from the people you loved -- who loved you. Wondering if those people are still out there. Wondering if the memories are real or imagined. Even if it turns out that they are there, and they were real, what do you do about it?

simplicity and complexity

2006-02-24T19:50:00.000-08:00

I was going to sit down and write about how I was feeling down, and get into some real "woe is me" sort of stuff, but then something clicked. I don't have to feel that way. So instead, I've decided to summarize a conversation I had with a good friend today. *Ahem*

This afternoon, I was posed with that most impertinent of questions, "What is the meaning of life?" Most times, in an attempt to be witty, I would hurl one of my flippant and obvious answers back at this sort of inquiry. And so, with a response on the tip of my (somewhat forked?) tongue, I opened my mouth to reply. And then hesitated. Realizing I had no clever response that I hadn't already said at least 15 times prior, well, wittiness turns to dust on your lips when you find yourself repeating... yourself. Hmm.
This made me stop for a moment then and truly consider my words. With my mouth hanging wide open, I knew I had better say something.
"Complexity."
I paused. Another brief moment of reflection, then- "Life's purpose is the struggle toward complexity."
"Don't you mean simplicity?" she asked. We've both studied philosophy to varying degrees, and at the core, simplifying, letting go, non-resistance -- these concepts are the chewy center of any number of doctrines.
"No," I replied, warming to the thought. "Hear me out."
"Life begins with single-celled organisms who flail around in the ooze, eating, dividing in half, dying, and so on. Then each begins to specialize, focusing on particular tasks, improving in a multitude of different ways. Then they begin combining. Becoming more efficient by pairing up, by utilizing complementary traits, by assuming separate roles within a single organism. Cells become tissues, tissues become organs, ever more complex, creating more adapted and adaptable creatures."
"Then consider the portion we're most familiar with -- Humanity. Our civilization has become more complex with each iteration. We're asked to deal with a greater amount of information and stimulus today than any species on this planet ever has. Your parents could deal with more complexity than theirs, you, in turn can handle more than them. Your progeny will likely find you to be slow and inflexible -- maybe in more ways than one."
"Hey! Keep the jibes to yourself!" she laughed, swatting at me playfully. "But what about consciousness and enlightenment? Doesn't letting go and just existing imply simplicity?"
"In a sense, but it's only simpler from our own perspective. Enlightenment has more to do with not making things more complex than they actually are. Malcom Gladwell talks about a lot of this in Blink -- our ability to make rapid and accurate judgements in the present without seemingly considering the complexity of the problem is actually a function of our being so well adapted to dealing with complexity. Enlightenment is just as much trusting in your own ability -- which has evolved over millions of years -- to understand the complexity around you and not let your mind get in your own way."
She started chuckling, "You wouldn't know anything about that, right?"
I rolled my eyes, "Me, nah. My mind is like a steel trap. Unfortunately I already stepped in it."
"I wonder..." she hummed, pursing her lips. "If life is a race to complexity, where are we headed from here?"
I shrugged. "I keep going back to the single-celled organisms. Cells, pairs, tissues, organs... Combining to become something greater than the sum of its parts. Who knows? Maybe we're evolving into the body parts of God."
She smiled up at me, eyes flashing radiantly, "I bet we become the spleen."

with thanks to Richard Dawkins

Linklater + PKD = Awesome

2006-02-24T13:05:00.000-08:00

I just stumbled across a trailer for the new Richard Linklater movie based on the Philip K. Dick novel A Scanner Darkly. I can't wait! I may just have to watch Waking Life again to get pumped up.

Honesty...

2006-02-24T07:04:00.000-08:00

So I had a post here that I put up last night, and I removed it. It was a little on the angry side, and I really don't need to be that person. I'm fine letting off a little steam, but I also don't need to immortalize it, so what I've decided to do is be a little more honest here.

I'm coming to the realization that there's a lot about Laurie that has always frustrated me, and that what's going on right now is simply indicative of the way we've always interacted. I guess I'm just having a hard time with the fact that what I'm asking is a very simple task, and it's pretty much the last thing that I need from her. Maybe that's what's causing the resistance -- seeing that absolute end.

Or maybe it's just that she realizes that not calling me back to let me know if she's taking care of the problem will get my goat. And it has, yet again... But this time, it's not eating at me that she hasn't called. I'm just tired of it, and I want to be done.

Okay, Yes I should be working, but...

2006-02-23T08:37:00.000-08:00

This quote makes me want to 'splode! From CNN:

President Bush today defended his administration's decision to allow a company from an Arab country to operate six major U.S. ports, saying, "People don't need to worry about security." Next month, Dubai Ports World is set to finalize a $6.8 billion purchase of the British firm Peninsular and Oriental Steam Navigation Co., which manages the six U.S. ports, which includes New York and Miami, Florida.

Wait a second... This is the same guy who has been doing his best to ensure that the country is cowering in fear of the terrorists? The same guy who basically convinced Middle America that the Arabs want to blow up the Wichita mini-mall? Fuck me, they're not even pretending to be consistent anymore. To hell with these assholes -- I'm moving to Europe.

Another gray day...

2006-02-23T07:56:00.000-08:00

Which is kind of frustrating. See, I really enjoy driving in to work in the morning when I can see the sunrise. Driving East across the 520 and staring over the water into the shining sun. Getting lost in the colors that slowly shift, blending and melding. Each sunrise unique and equally mesmerizing. Not today. That's okay, it'll just make the next one that much better, right?

What about Saturday night then?

2006-02-22T18:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, for anyone out there who didn't already know, Speaker Speaker is appearing live on Audioasis, KEXP's local show at 8PM on Saturday (that would be February 25th for those of you still counting on your fingers) and then will be playing a show at the Sunset Tavern immediately following. I'll be there. You know you wanna go.
For anyone that might have trouble making it to Ballard (You know who you are!) check out KEXP.org and listen to the live stream. Good times will be had by all.

Early to bed and early to rise...

2006-02-22T07:51:00.000-08:00

makes a man feel like he's missing out on something.

Quick note here before I actually have to start working: From a game design standpoint, some of the most interesting concepts are coming out of a small company in the UK. If you like PC games at all, you owe it to yourself to check out Uplink. I so want to release a multiplayer version of this game for the DS.

Okay, so I'm late to the party, but I have to say that Buffy is totally rocking my world. I'm almost through the second season, and I'm thrilled. Well worth the mockery I'm receiving from friends and co-workers alike.

2006-02-20T15:41:00.000-08:00

Oh look. It's me.

How does this writing thing work again?

2006-02-20T11:06:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, words. Right.

Let me begin with a set of expectations -- what I expect from myself, and what you, reader, may in turn expect from me. This page will contain any number of varied musings, from my half-assed attempts at fiction, to political rants and journal entries. I may even try and post game reviews, depending on whether I play any that are worth talking about.

Please feel free to post your effusive praise at any time. In addition, you're welcome to email me at misanthropicoptimism@gmail.com

Beginning: n. - The act or process of bringing or being brought into being; a start.

2006-02-20T10:27:00.000-08:00

Very nearly 10 years ago, I became someone else. I transplanted myself to a new city and took a new job in an entirely new field. I stopped communicating with almost all of the people I was close to, and acquired a full set of new friends. I even started calling myself by a new name. The old persona crumbling away like so much ash left over from the fire that consumed and destroyed my old life.

In addition to the aforementioned changes, I lost a lot of my creativity and my sense of wonder. I became stodgy and practical. Any happiness I felt was muted in shades of gray. Life no longer held the same mystery. I also stopped writing.

Change was a necessity at that point, brought on by the survival instinct. Lock it all away, or lose your mind completely. And while it can help for awhile, eventually the wall has to come down. There's an understanding that has to take place, and a willingness to be vulnerable again. Hopefully I'll express some of that through words on a page. Looking for more particulars? Go watch I Heart Huckabees again.

So it may come off as banal, but I'm here to continue my journey from where I left off. Wish me luck.